ASYLUM - For all mankind

Happy July 4th -- Hail, Hail the Mountains' Majesty

Friday 04 July
By Asylum Staff

There are so many ways for guys to show their patriotism on the Fourth, from stuffing themselves with hot dogs to lighting small explosive devices. But we often hear women ask, "What can I do to prove that I am fully supportive of democratic values and federalism?"

Well, you've come to the right place -- nothing says these colors don't run like dressing your naughty parts in swimwear inspired by the flag. That's right, stars-and-stripes bikinis.

So if you ladies want some fashion inspiration for the holiday weekend (or if you are a guy who likes nearly naked women), we encourage you to take a look at our collection of itsy bitsy teenie weenie USA-promoting bikinis.

Stars and Stripes -- Bikini Babes Go Patriotic

    God bless America,

    Jean-Paul Aussenard, WireImage.com

    Land that I love.

    GQ

    Stand beside her,

    Tim Sloan, AFP / Getty Images

    And guide her,

    Flickr.com

    Through the night,

    Hopper Stone, NBC

    With the light from above.

    Flickr.com

    From the mountains,

    comptonsunshine.com

    To the prairies,

    Flickr.com

    To the oceans,

    Flickr.com

    White with foam.

    Tom Grizzle, Getty Images

Arguments for Re-incorporating America into the British Empire

Friday 04 July
By Asylum Staff

This semi-coherent tirade came in through the Asylum U.K. site. We're not sure what to make of it (other than argue for turning England into the 51st state).

Dear Americans,

On this day, 232 years ago, the Declaration of Independence was signed and sealed, forming the United States as its own nation and ending your colonial union with Britain and her empires.

I think we can all agree, that idea has run its course.

It's nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to the best of us. We in Britain tried to form a republic once -- back in 1642. We killed the king. It failed. We moved on. You can, too. It might sting at first, but that's nothing that time won't solve.

(Anyway, 1776 was never really your revolution rebellion at all. Back then most of you were, by definition, actually still British. This whole thing was really an unfortunate civil war and if anyone gets to take credit for that, it should be us. So why don't we get a day off work?)

Now, we realize that you might have a few reservations to rejoining the fold. You seem so awfully attached to that "Constitution" of yours, -- or as I like to call it, the "Document of Needless and Ungrateful Disobedience." But in anticipation of your skepticism, I have prepared some arguments to entice you back into the Queen's cold, cold embrace:

Point-by-point reasoning after the jump.

Why England Should Become Our 51st State

Friday 04 July
By Asylum Staff

Dear Sir. Hubert TC. William Buxomley, Duke of Cobham,

I read your letter arguing for the re-incorporation of America into the British Empire. Your arguments have caused a literal eruption of my spleen. (BTW, I'll be sending you my medical bills, as the American health care system is spotty at best.) As we celebrate our 232 year of blissful independence from the hated Red Coats, perhaps it's time to finally make amends. And by make amends, I mean surrender to us entirely.

Here is how we (us) will both (just us) benefit from making England a permanent part of the States. (We're going to conquer you.)

Food
Yeah, yeah, it's a cliché that your food is terrible. But you know the funny thing about cliches? They're usually true. Have you ever actually tasted blood pudding? (Though you did have the brilliant idea to pair fried fish with French fries. I would applaud you if my hands weren't currently covered in Cheet-o dust.) Give us five minutes with your so-called bangers and mash, and they'll be wrapped in bacon and sandwiched and between two Krispy Kremes before you can say "bob's your uncle." (Why do you people say that? From now on you speak American in the 51st state: "New England East.")

More reasons after the jump.


Competitive Eating Passion -- Not for the Faint of Stomach

Friday 04 July
By Asylum Staff

This is the day gastro-capacity enthusiasts have been waiting for. The crown jewel of competitive munching, Nathan's hot dog eating contest, is upon us.

But this sport is no game -- it takes hard work, resolve and, most importantly, a preternatural control of the gag reflex. It's a combination of abilities few possess, and even fewer care to hone, but that doesn't mean we aren't in awe of anyone who can down dozens of dogs in less time than it takes to recount all of the ingredients contained in a single wiener.

So to mark the occasion, we've collected pics from various food-chomping contests, but just like the competitions themselves, some of these shots are not for the faint of stomach. Bon appétit.

Competitive Eating

    FORT WORTH, TX - JUNE 07: Jacob Hannah competes in a hot dog eating contest, prior to the IRL IndyCar Series Bombardier Learjet 550k on June 7, 2008 at the Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth, Texas. (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    FORT WORTH, TX - JUNE 07: James Deig, of Arlington Texas, competes in a hot dog eating contest, prior to the IRL IndyCar Series Bombardier Learjet 550k on June 7, 2008 at the Texas Motor Speedway in Fort Worth, Texas. (Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 23: (U.S. TABS OUT) Wee Man, Bam Margera and his father Phil Margera take part in a hotdog eating contest during the "Jackassworld: 24 Hour Takeover" to celebrate the launch of Jackassworld.com at the MTV Times Square Studios February 23, 2008 in New York City. (Photo by Scott Gries/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 23: (U.S. TABS OUT) Bam Margera vomits during a hotdog eating contest during the "Jackassworld: 24 Hour Takeover" to celebrate the launch of Jackassworld.com at the MTV Times Square Studios February 23, 2008 in New York City. (Photo by Scott Gries/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    NEW YORK - FEBRUARY 23: (U.S. TABS OUT) Bam Margera and his father Phil Margera take part in a hotdog eating contest during the "Jackassworld: 24 Hour Takeover" to celebrate the launch of Jackassworld.com at the MTV Times Square Studios February 23, 2008 in New York City. (Photo by Scott Gries/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    DES MOINES, IA - AUGUST 16: Dakota Jenkins checks out the competition during a pie-eating contest at the Iowa State Fair August 16, 2007 in Des Moines. Iowa. The fair runs to August 19 and is expected to draw about 1 million people. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    DES MOINES, IA - AUGUST 16: Sara Powers (foreground) and Megan Gawlick compete in a pie-eating contest at the Iowa State Fair August 16, 2007 in Des Moines. Iowa. The fair runs to August 19 and is expected to draw about 1 million people. (Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    NEW YORK - JULY 04: Juliet Lee stuffs hotdogs in her mouth during the annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island July 4, 2007 in New York City. Joey Chestnut defeated six time champion Takeru Kobayashi by eating a new world record of 66 hotdogs in twelve minutes. (Photo by Chris McGrath/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    NEW YORK - JULY 04: Patrick Bertoletti of Chicago stuffs hotdogs in his mouth during the annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island July 4, 2007 in New York City. Joey Chestnut defeated six time champion Takeru Kobayashi by eating a new world record of 66 hotdogs in twelve minutes. (Photo by Chris McGrath/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

    NEW YORK - JULY 04: Takeru Kobayashi of Japan reacts after placing second during the annual hot dog eating contest at Coney Island July 4, 2007 in New York City. Joey Chestnut of San Jose won the title by eating a new world record of 66 hotdogs in twelve minutes. (Photo by Chris McGrath/Getty Images)

    Getty Images

George Washington's Boyhood Home Located

Thursday 03 July
By Anthony Layser

(Our happy hour fact to amaze your drinking buddies with.)

Archaeologists recently unearthed the remains of George Washington's boyhood home near Fredericksburg, Va., about 50 miles south of Washington D.C.

Over the last seven years, three locations were excavated. The site determined to be the location of Washington's home revealed a foundation built during the first part of the 18th century (Washington was born in 1732). It also held artifacts linked to his family.

The house was most likely one-and-a-half stories, about 53 by 37 feet, with a central hallway and two rooms on each side.

Among the artifacts found was a blackened smoking bowl, marked with a Masonic crest. Considering Washington joined the Fredericksburg Lodge of the Masons in 1753, we can only assume the founding father used the device for smoking serious doobage ... or possibly tobacco.

Lost 'Metropolis' Reel Discovered, First Gay Robot Footage?

Thursday 03 July
By Brian Childs

Tuesday, we hypothesized that the gynoid in the 1927 silent film "Metropolis" might have been the first robot lesbian, but that we would never know because a reel of the film had been lost forever.

But now that reel has been found.

In a story that's sure to thrill film geeks around the world, ZeitOnline announced that a full version of the film had remained in storage. It's location solves one of the greatest film mysteries of all time.

Questions raised by this discovery:

-- Will "Metropolis" be available online, or are we going to have to wait forever queuing this up in our Netflix?

-- Can we actually sit through a 210-minute silent film?

-- Will the gynoid finally be proven to be the first gay robot ... and will that turn us on?

(ZeitOnline via Tasty Booze)

Did we miss anything? Let us know in the comments.

Elsewhere in the manly "sack pack" universe today ...

That's Mister Mix to You (Bullz-Eye)
Neuton Battery Powered Lawn Mower Giveaway (Green Daily)
Son Finds Parents' Sex Tape with Dogs (Afrojacks)
Eleven Web sites to Save you Cash During the Recession (Double Viking)
Ultimate Drunk People Compilation (Unibrow)
Count Your Beers with the Beer Tracker (Complex)

Cable News Goes Crazy with the Guns

Thursday 03 July
By Brian Childs

News channels have an obligation to use the most exciting video footage possible to illustrate a news story. Occasionally, the go just a little bit overboard. See if you can spot the excessive gun footage in this video clip. (Via 23/6)

Saving the Children with a 'Super Mario Brothers' Marathon

Thursday 03 July
By Brian Childs

A weeklong "Super Mario" Marathon for charity might be the best idea we've ever heard of.

In an attempt to combine their interest in saving fictional princesses and helping real-life children, Brian Brinegar, a 29-year-old web developer in Lafayette, Ind., and his two former college roommates played 7 "Super Mario" games in a row over the course of a weekend. In the process, they raised over $11,000 for the Child's Play charity from softhearted nerds around the web.

This raises a number of important questions: Could the same thing be done with Grand Theft Auto? Is there any way to incorporate hot ladies into this charity event? And is it finally time for Asylum to get into the charity business?

Other Sweet Video Games Features from Around the Web:

Sixty-Five Things That Look Like Pac Man (Games Radar)
Sweetest Cheats of All Time (Game Daily)
Diablo III, Be Prepared to Lose Some Time (Joystiq)
Nine Video Game Powers We'd Love to Abuse (Slobs of Gaming)